Obama, My Uncle

It is amazing how easy it is for us to judge people by first appearances. We look at what they wear, what they drive or even how they smile and make instant conclusions. Perhaps we have so much in our minds, leaving us no room to dig deeper before making any assumptions.

Hand in hand with this is the distrust we have cultivated between us. The very first minutes of any conversation are filled with suscipiscion, doubting every word being said. It is as if the truth no longer exists. This is not surprising considering most of us are dishonest and think everybody is the same. There are some of us, however who still treat the truth as a virtue, and dare not tell a lie.

Take me for instance. If I told you that I am Obama’s nephew you would surely not believe me…but that is the truth. Barrack Obama, the US Democratic presidential nominee is my uncle…my maternal uncle. I won’t waste time telling you how I dug up my family history and discovered one of Obama’s great grandfathers had an affair with one of my grandmothers….that is too rudimentary a method prove my linkage to Obama.

I will use science and in particular genetics. Those who know me well, will agree that I share, with Obama, one of his very unique and astonishing traits, indeed the trait that won him the votes. I am talking about the Look Off Into The Future Pose. You know how Obama talks…he says something like “ America needs change we can believe in” then keeps quiet for some time, looks at the crowd, his gaze transfixed at some point, then slightly raises his head,before looking to the left ….and the crowd after a second or two bursts in applause….That is the Look Off Into The Future Pose .It is not by coincidence that I have a similar pose, its in the genes. Or how else do you explain the fact I bend my head at the same angle as Obama…that I have the same hypnotizing effect on crowds?

Not long ago, a think tank , which of course doesnt wish my uncle well, was claiming that he practices this “Look Off Into The Future Pose”. Listen to what they were saying…. “Obama practices the Look Off Into Future pose….it involves him standing upright with his back arched and his chest thrust out, his shoulders positioned 1.3 feet apart and opened slightly at a 14-degree angle, and his eyes transfixed on a predetermined point between 20 and 27 meters away. This creates the illusion that Obama is looking forward to a bright future, while the downturned corners of his lips indicate that he acknowledges the problems of the present.

If he looks up an inch too high, he appears aloof or confused. If he looks down too low, it appears that he is distracted by the future. If the curvature of his upper lip is not at the exact 0.87-centimeter radius, it reads that he does not care about preserving the environment for future generations.

The pose also requires Obama to arch his eyebrows at 32-degree angles, open his mouth to prevent the misconception that he is frowning about the future, and briefly flare his nostrils to convey faith in the nation’s children.

He must then clench his jaw with enough force to express strength and decisiveness—if he uses too much force, his forehead vein becomes visible and makes it appear as though he is in physical pain, doubtful of the future. Every millimeter of that head vein costs him 150,000 votes.

When looking to the future, he looks to the left, Looking to the right is an I-am-sorry-for-the-mistakes-I’ve-made-in-the-past-but-promise-to-work-my-hardest-for- this-nation-from-now-on pose. “

Certainly all this is true expect the claim that he practices the look. The think tank evidently doesn’t know of my existence, for if it did, it would be obvious to them thats its not possible for two completely different people to practice this pose, down to the last degree & millimeter. The pose is in the genes.

That proved I wonder why no media organization has been seeking to interview me, yet I am the only of Obama’s relatives who is almost, if not exactly like him. I mean the only one with his kind of brain, character and most important, Look Off Into The Future Pose.

All the media does, is talk to so called scholars of the US political space, who discuss such serious topics as “Obamania : Is Africa Desperate For A Messiah” or “ Obama Win: Prove That Americans Are Without Hope”

The other day one of these scholars, a distinguished professor and an authority on the new field of “ Obama-nism and Black Expression” , was on national television betting his balls that if Obama wins the elections the F word in hip hop, and generally in black lingua would be replaced with the word “Change”. Isn’t that ridiculous? For a start its bad English and doesn’t have the same semantic punch. Just think of the once in a week times when your boss pisses you and you end up using the F word to curse her… now replace the F with the word “change”….it surely doesn’t have the same effect, its simply too polite. A more practical prediction would have been to suggest that if Obama wins the F word would be replaced by its Luo equivalent….those who know the luo word will agree it would be a masterpiece, both when used semantically and as a curse.

Talking of the latter I know there are many people falling head over heels to honor my uncle. Some of them are doing this by naming their animals, and especially cattle, after him. This is not only an insult but in bad taste. What legacy will a cow leave? Shitting and providing manure or farting carbon monoxide and polluting the environment?…Should my uncle ,who is campaigning on a green platform, be associated with such?..A more respectable way to honour my uncle would be to name your children after him. You surely can’t compare human beings, however evil they may eventually become, with animals. There are those who may argue that you need to plan for children, and unless you had seen his victory coming, and taken the right measures, you don’t have a ready child who can be named, after him. But there is still time and opportunity. We are in June, if you stick long enough in the bedroom with your partner, come February next year you will be a proud parent of a newborn, who you will name Obama…there will be no better way to celebrate my uncle’s second month in office. And yes Obama is a unisexual name.

Now that uncle has won the nomination, he is surely going to ask my guidance on the best way to conduct the remainder of the campaigns and the first few months in office. What follows is a draft of the email, with my advice, that I plan to send him.

(This is the short story that was read during last Sunday Salon at Lavington Green by Samuel Munene. The letter to Sam’s Uncle -Obama, will be posted here next week, Visit us )

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