Let’s not waste time and go directly to business. Below are some of the issues you should think about:
I hear that seven out of ten Americans say they want their president to have a strong faith. And here too we like to have our leaders attend Sunday service .So its time you joined another church, now that you disowned Reverend Wright’s Trinity United Church. You can’t trust those American churches, just see how close Wright was to bringing you down or what uproar John Hagee generated by endorsing McCain. Something must be amiss with those American pastors. Why not join a Kenyan church? I know someone may have told you that most of our churches are places of raising money than of worship. But there are some pure churches, undiluted by worldly pleasures and pursuits. You could join one of these. I suggest you join Dini ya Msambwa because its near your grandmothers home.I am sure the Democrats can afford to fly you to western Kenya every week for spiritual nourishment..Here you will rest assured that Mzee Namasaka Barasa, the senior pastor will not utter anything that will hurt your camapaign.He doesn’t speak English
Perhaps due to their state of insecurity, Americans want to have a brave president.That is why McCain won’t waste a chance to say he is a decorated war veteran, and Hilary Clinton claimed, wrongly, she dodged sniper fire in Bosnia. What about you uncle? Is there anything that shows you are a daring man? You told us that you used to smoke marijuana when you could afford it and Aunt Michelle told to us you snore and throw your socks on the floor. Unfortunately, uncle, that’s creates the illusion that you are a sissy. And no one wants a sissy for a president. Try think of something that will show you are tough.If you cant think of anything start by claiming you survived driving on Kenyan roads…if that doesn’t work you could say that you were tested for HIV at a rural clinic in Kenya, where there is no electricity, water… blah blah blah.You know what those working class voters think of Africa.. seize on that to show your heroism.As Hilary would say these “hardworking Americans, white Americans” might warm up to you.
The American flag is associated with Republicans…..whenever people see the flag they see George Bush, they see Dick Cheney, they see Condoleezza Rice, they see war and destruction…You have to modify this flag to reflect your message of “change we can believe in” .The most acceptable way to do it is to merge the American and Kenyan flags ..The new flag would be a symbol of the might of the US and tameness of Africa…The only thing necessary would be to give the colours of the flag new meaning.
Both flags have the color red and the new flag must have it. Red certainly represents blood. In the new spirit of a harmonious humanity, the red in the new flag should not represent the blood shed by our respective freedom fighters. That would raise emotions. Instead it should represent the blood shed by our ancestors, Australopithecus, who fought dinosaurs and ensured the survival of humanity. Just don’t forget Kenya was the cradle of man.
Since America is not an agricultural nation the green on our flag, which certainly will be on the new one, will represent the mobile phone network that makes it possible for bilateral communication cooperation between the US and Africa..Not to mention free calls for your relatives
The meaning of white will be obvious: The purity of Dini ya Msambawa.This will encourage more of your country men to join the church, and you won’t be the only one in the congregation who doesn’t understand a thing being said by the pastor
Black will be for doom. What will happen if you don’t fulfill our expectations. And here Kenya’s and Africa exepectations.As for the Americans they will merely vote you out if you don’t fulfill your promises to them.
The navy blue from your present flag will represent the US Democratic Party, and our Party of National Unity.Too bad there is no orange..
The stars on your flag represent Americas 50 states. Here we don’t have states but 42 tribes…so the stars will be increased to 92
Don’t sound too bossy or meet the press on Sundays unless you want your supporters to start saying :
“Senator. Obama always wants to be throwing his opinion around about this bill or that law. . Every time a reporter takes him to task on one issue or another, he comes right back at him with some sort of smart answer. He needs to learn that sometimes you need to just accept your place; it’s not polite to always act like you know things. Not to mention the fact that, as a working man, a black working man, he should take those precious Sundays to spend some time with his family, not to meet with the press on national television.
And do please give Michael a call. I need come see you and the staff at the embassy have denied me a visa. They are treating me like any other Kenyan. They don’t know I am your nephew, the only of your relatives with the Look Off Into The Future pose.
Samuel Munene can be reached on kenyaknowhow(at)gmail.com